A Ticking Time Bomb Ready to Explode

I'm starting to worry my violence against women class is effecting me on a deeper level. I had a nightmare last night where I was raped some other people were there watching. When I tried to go and tell someone about it people were covering it up and then other people didn't believe me.

I keep having flashbacks and feeling somewhat numb to other things going on around me. I want to talk to someone about what's going on and what I've been through; I've never fully disclosed to anyone. It just seems like so much to just unload on one person and I feel like I can't do that. Telling Paul just doesn't feel like an option to me. I'm scared he'd just start looking at me like I'm only a victim. I just don't know who to talk to everyone seems just as busy as me these days.

Listening to: "Pony (It's OK)" by Erin McCarley

Quote of the Day: "The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer someone else up." -Mark Twain

Can I borrow your towel for a second? My car just hit a water buffalo.

I had no idea this summer it would ever be this amazing... and I am so happy it is.


Listening to: "Follow You Down" by Gin Blossoms

Having a Mini Freakout...

I feel like most people are super excited to graduate from college and get on with their lives; not me. This whole graduating this has me freaking out and have a little breakdown.

I got a thing in the mail from VCU informing me of cap and gown fittings and other important dates associated with graduation. It also came with a card asking me to check yes or no if I was planning on attending graduation. I just wish it would all go away, or even better someone would just deal with it for me.

 This is such a huge deal especially for my parents, and I don't want to let them down. I'm just not sure I'm ready to close this chapter in my life and start fresh. That new beginning also means a lot of important choices and far more responsibilities that I don't think I'm ready for just yet. I have this feeling there is so much more I need to do before I graduate and it just feels like as the date inches closer every second I have significantly less time to accomplish it all in.

I don't want to stay in college forever but I just don't feel ready for this to be over yet. There just seems like there is so much more that I need to do and the future just seems so overwhelming. I don't know what I can use my degree for if I decide nursing school isn't for me. I still feel so lost like every decision I've made so far is completely wrong and I'm screwing up and letting my parents down so much. They've done so much for me and those thoughts absolutely break my heart.

So I'm having a tiny mental breakdown (more like a crack in my happy outlook on everything) and I don't know who to really talk to about it.  I feel so vulnerable right now and I just wish I could hit the fast forward button to move past all of this. I also don't want to dump this on people when they have their own issues and things to do this week. I'm trying my best to make it to the end of the week right now but I just feel so small and scared.


Listening to: "Wherever You Will Go" by The Calling

What I Miss the Most

I wish a year ago I hadn't cut off all my hair... it looks so beautiful. I'm not saying my hair isn't awesome looking now but I miss my long locks.

I just really want to grow it out because I really loved having long hair. It just hits that awkward phase and I go all impulsive with the scissors and get someone to cut off some hair.

Everytime I say I want to grow it out though I cut it off... Help me. I'm addicted to changing my hair. I'm sure working in a salon and getting free haircuts does not help my plight one bit. I want my hair to look like this again so bad though.

Listening to: "Paint it Black" by The Agony Scene

RVa Hasn't Been the Same Without You

Come back to Richmond soon Casey...

... because I miss you!

Listening to: "Laughing With" by Regina Spektor
Quote of the Day: "Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will." -Author Unknown

Be a (wo)man

Worked out to "I'll Make a Man Out of You" at the gym today and it made me want to fight some Huns later.

Listening to: "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran

Monday is such a Mess

This week is going to be SUPER busy, and I'm really looking forward to all the different things I have to do. Besides going to all of my classes I have volunteer work to do with SAVES on Wednesday, going to A Rose for Toni, working at both the Gap and Rituals at the end of the week. I was also supposed to volunteer at the Richmond Folk Festival but I'm not sure if I still can with work and everything else going on for me I just don't want to get too overwhelmed. I'm just glad on Monday's I only have one class to help me ease back into my week a little.

I was supposed to go on a haunted hayride with some friends last night and I'm a little bummed it didn't happen because I'm sure it would have been some serious fun. Instead I went to the movies with my friend Heath. We saw Pandorum. It wasn't all that good to be honest. We both were expecting to get really scared, and actually looking forward to it somewhat. At least it had our favorite constipated-looking actor; Denis Quaid. If you're confused by that last sentence watch Vantage Point and just look at his face, and you'll have to agree he looks like he needs to drop the browns off at the superbowl. I guess at least there are plenty of other opportunities to go on the haunted hayride this month so I'm not so bummed about it.

Besides the hayride Paul and I were talking about going pumpkin picking at some point and maybe even apple picking up at Carter's mountain. The only thing is that both of us are busy people so who knows if we'll even have time to do any of this. I'm just really excited to do fun things with him. Pumpkin picking and apple picking are things my family and I used to do a lot when we were younger along with peach picking, white water rafting, and going to the maple festival. I really wish I had more time to do these things now because they were always so fun back then.

Since I only have one class today I'm thinking about going to the gym after I get out. I really want to start going so I can get toned and lose about 10 to 15 lbs. So far I've lost 10lbs from eating a whole lot healthier and not drinking alcohol. I'm trying to get back to where I was at the end of summer '05 but no blonde hair this time around.

The other day my parents informed me that this year for Thanksgiving we're going out. I got the saddest look on my face and all I could ask is if we'd be doing a fried turkey another time this year. I insisted upon actually doing this so I could enjoy my favorite meal of the year and since Paul had recently mentioned never having tried fried turkey before I hope he can make it over for this most glorious feast.

I am going to try to grow my hair out for real this time. I usually say that and then cut it off because it hits that awkward stage and I just cut it. I miss having long hair, and it hasn't been long in over a year. I had to cut it all off then though since the well water was tinting my hair a little green in the back and nothing else seemed to help. I love the way my hair looks right now but I do really miss having long hair that I could tie back or have someone play with. I wish my boyfriend would play with my hair more. It calms me down when I'm stressed, puts me to sleep, and it sometimes sends shivers down my body because it feels so good.

Well, it's time to get ready to greet the rest of the world and maybe I'll go to the gym before class today... who knows.


Listening to: "Kisses and Cake" by John Powell (my favorite song from P.S. I Love You)
Quote of the Day: "Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower." -Albert Camus

Why I had to Stop

Last night I went to Richbrau with Sarah, Paul, and Carl and one of his friends. It was the first time since my birthday that I've been out to the bars. I also haven't had any alcohol to drink since my birthday. Not going to lie it was sort of lame going to the bars and being completely sober. I did have some fun, but it was nowhere near as much fun as the times I used to have when I got drunk. I've had plenty of sober fun since my no drinking decision but none of those times have been inside a bar. It felt like I was completely out of my element even though I've been to plenty of bars, but usually I've been blitzed. 


Another thing that probably added to my completely awkward feeling like a penguin on the north pole is that I know I'm a terrible dancer. My "friend" used to make fun of me nonstop 4 years ago for not being able to dance. I'm just not comfortable anywhere near a dance floor unless I have a suitable amount of alcohol flowing in my system and I'm sure even then I still can't dance but at that point I don't care. I'm usually completely fine with embarassing myself but when it comes to dancing in a club setting I just nearly freeze and constantly wish to be away from the dancefloor. 

I know I could have remedied the situation and ponied up to the bar and started ordering my usual drinks and been set to go. That period in my life where I got hammered as quickly as possible is behind me. I'm trying to be a responsible adult and not have my boyfriend worried about me drinking and driving 3 nights out of the week (he's considerate and gets me the extra ammo box for my Nerf guns and I do my part and don't go out drinking and making stupid choices that would cause anyone's boyfriend/girlfriend to be nervous wreck). I also need to stop wasting money on alcohol, and I have goals of being healthier and losing weight. A huge reason is also I would like to actually remember some of the stupid things I do and the fun times I have with my friends. Sure, drinking can be fun but not drinking and doing other things with people is just as much if not more (because I remember it).

I'm not saying I get so drunk every single time where I can't remember the things I did or said that night I have had plenty of nights where moderation did happen. It's just easier not to take the risk. I do also have plenty of fun memories from times I did get drunk that weren't lost to alcohol and other times I wish had been. Either way I'm happy with the decision to not drink even if it means bars are a lot less fun. I guess the fact that they are bars should be a big hint on them not being so fun when you're sober compaired to when you're drunk.


Even though I don't like all the choices I've made while under the influence some aren't so bad and I really wouldn't change much about the past year (except maybe spending less on alcohol). I did make one choice while I was buzzing on Casey's birthday that I don't regret at all...

Listening to: "Evacuate the Dancefloor" by Cascada
Quote of the Day: "If you've never stared off in the distance, then your life is a shame." -Adam Duritz (or Counting Crows)

Rule #4 Double Tap

Zombieland was AMAZING!!!! So go see it... now.

Listening to: "Everybody Wants Some" by Van Halen

Quote of the Day: "Time to nut up or shut up!" -Tallahassee in Zombieland

Brain Smoothie

I've had this blog for a while and like many things I started with good intentions and excitement it falls by the wayside and remains unused and forgotten (for a while). This probably happens because I am interested in so many things and I still haven't figured out what I'm really good at and where my place is in this world. Sometimes I have so many different thoughts and ideas going on at once I really do feel like someone put my head in a blender and hit frappé. Despite this there are some things that I have seemed to hit the mark on and remained interested in. Recently I will admit many of my passions have been put on hold for school, working at the salon and Gap, some of the volunteer work I'm starting this month, and of course making time for those people around me I value the most in my life (family, friends, and my boyfriend). I love so many things and maybe that is my downfall that I really do want to try everything and experience all the different things life truly has to offer each of us, but I have no intentions of changing the path I have chosen for myself.

Listening to: "Keep Breathing" by Ingrid Michaelson

Quote of the Day: "Did you say it? 'I love you. I don't ever want to live without you. You changed my life.' Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in 'cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow." -Grey's Anatomy

Braves Game

For Paul's birthday I got him two tickets to see the Braves play against the Nationals in September.

The stadium was pretty awesome.

GO BRAVES!!!

Batter up.

We saw this and swore up and down that the plague of locusts was upon us.

Despite the impending doom we stayed and watched the game.

The running of the presidents was hysterical.

Apparently Teddy Roosevelt has no wins. Sad.

But Abraham Lincoln pulled an early lead for victory.

Another shot of the stadium. This place is awesome.

Paul and I waiting for the fireworks show played to Michael Jackson music. Apparently we can't go anywhere without him haunting us. It's ok though I think we kind of like it.

This was an amazing night.

The Unicorn & The Butterfly

I think my new favorite obsession is photo booths. They are so much fun and looking at the photos is even more fun. Carol Ann and I put probably way too much thought into our photo strips but they came out so amazing looking that I think it was totally worth it. We look hot. Not trying to sound narcissistic or anything. Usually you won't catch me saying something like that about myself. I'm not negative about my body image I look at as a realistic approach. I'm not fat or skinny... I'm just me, Erin.

I wish when I say that to people they wouldn't look at me like I'm being negative. I know I'm not beautiful and nor do I try to pretend to be. I wear clothes that cover up the bad and try to accent the good. You won't catch me in a pair of skimpy shorts even on the hottest summer days. I'm pretty sure no one needs to see that and I wouldn't want to feel that exposed even if I was as hot as Eva Mendes.

Listening to: "A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More 'Touch Me" by Fall Out Boy

Quote of the Day: "If nothing ever changed, there would be no butterflies." -Author Unknown

Guess Who

This is a photo of me and Paul playing Guess Who on our fort date yesterday. He kept asking silly questions like that and I asked if his guy was a ginger/day-walker. Clearly a good question so I would know if his person would try to steal my person's soul. We also played battleship. There would have been candy land fun too but we were both too lazy to run downstairs and get it. We did try to play some old-school video games but the system I bought broke. At least we were able to have a small Nerf gun battle because he got me two Nerf guns and a box of 100 ammo (he's so considerate).

Listening to: "Some Say" by Sum 41

Quote of the Day: "I want a big house with a moat and dragons and a fort to keep people out!" -Victoria Beckham

About Last Night

Last night was fun (well, what I remember) went out to the bars with some friends and had a little too much to drink. Paul surprised me and showed up which definitely put a big dorky smile on my face. Everyone who came out for my birthday picked me up when they saw me with the exception of Sarah and Paul. Paul came up behind me while I was sitting on my stool and leaned me back and kissed me. We went to Richbrau (which was lame so we left), Siné, McCormick's, and finally Mars Bar. I don't remember a good portion of the night thanks to Paul purchasing me a blue motorcyle which I do not recommend as a drink. YUCK! I drank most of it anyway... I mean he did buy it for me. I'm very glad I didn't get drunk enough to make an ass of myself at Mars Bar and agree to do Karaoke. I would like anyone reading this to know that I had a DD for the night so I did not drive home drunk. I did other things on the ride home drunk. ;)

Listening to: "My Life Would Suck Without You" by Kelly Clarkson

Quote of the Day: "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, it is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." -Jack Handey

Another Year Older

Well today is my 22nd birthday. I don't really feel older at all and this year it doesn't feel like that big of a deal so I don't really have anything planned. Although I have no plans I wouldn't mind going out and doing something. I really wanted to spend some of today with Paul but he has band practice tonight so that's really out. Secretly I wished someone would plan a surprise party for me since I've never had one. To me I think having a surprise party would make me feel far more special since someone else planned it instead of me.

Listening to: "Thriller" by Michael Jackson

Quote of the Day: "You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely." -Author Unkown