A Long Stream of Conscious

I think I should just give up It seems like nothing I can possibly do will change the way things are and I can't be the type of person to inspire change or someone to treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated or maybe I don't deserve anything better than this maybe karma is a bitch and it's come full circle to bite me in the ass and finally let me see how it feels to be on the other end of what I've dished out to so many other people maybe I deserve to be treated like shit and used by the people I love the most or maybe I'm just always drawn to the asshole and push away the nice guys why can't I be happy with the way things are and just pretend everything is really ok I just seem to always let my emotions come out eventually I know not talking about things is bad but I wish I could just deal with things not being perfect because we don't live in an ideal world and we're constantly eating other peoples shit for breakfast lunch and dinner I just want to rise above and be treated like a respectable woman and be taken seriously by the person I'm with is that so much to ask is it too much to want things to be better or should I just deal with everything the way it is and learn to live with this as the highest level of happiness I'll ever have which at the moment I rate this about a 4 out of 10 in overall but in my relationship about a 2 or 3 out of 10 I don't like being ignored or having to repeat myself I think it's fair to want to have my personal things treated with some respect along with my own person and not be treated like a child when I make a mistake on something or have someone act rude and like I don't appreciate what they did when they do something nice for me I haven't been treated this way since I was a child who was in trouble and when I had to say I was sorry be held and not let go until I said it out loud and exactly why I was sorry that is not how you treat an adult or someone you respect and see as your equal but maybe he doesn't see me as his equal I mean after all he has only really bought me toys and comics so he must see me in a childish light I've also been given makeup which no one should ever buy for a woman EVER because it makes her feel less pretty or like you feel she needs to wear more of it or something I don't even wear makeup even though I have a nice bit of it that really just means I don't need more as Americans we always want more and maybe that's the problem I want what I can't have I want romance and to be treated with respect and like a human being but maybe all of these things are dead and gone and respect just doesn't exist anymore or maybe he's just unaware of the way he treats others and it's not just me who thinks he can be completely wrapped up in himself and actu selfishly others have mentioned it before I even could suggest it to them myself so maybe I'm not in love with him but in love with the idea of what it ideally means to be in a relationship I know what I want and more and more it seems he just isn't the person to give it to me and he has no desire or intentions of treating me better because every single time I go to him with something that's bothering me he just shoves it to the side and does the bare minimum to make it feel better but not really try to fix the problem and we really aren't getting to the root of the thing and it's just growing larger and larger until there won't be room for anything else and he knows he sucks at communication and he does nothing but shut me out and overreact over the small things and makes me feel like I'm overracting when I get upset over more than that I'm just unhappy and it all feels like the bad is starting to outweigh the good here and I wish he would talk to me because it's all piling up and starting to get almost unbearable I cry myself to sleep more than I would like to admit I even cry when he's right next to me but I'm ashamed to talk to him about it and I don't want him to just push my feelings aside and act like they mean nothing because they do or I wouldn't feel them and this is my relationship too so I deserve to be happy I mean for fucks sake I bought him eagles tickets for X-mas I pretended like one was for my graduation present but I honestly would have rather saved my money instead so in reality both of them were for him and I'm starting to regret a lot of the things I've ever done for him to show him I was thinking about him when it feels like he never thinks of me or even gives a shit about me he says he appreciates me but that means nothing when he does nothing to back it up he just doesn't appreciate the little things I do for him and when he does something for me I had better take notice ugh and here I go again with the crying I just can't help it because he makes me feel so miserable and I just want to know what I have to do to get him to take notice and maybe want to do better by me because I keep coming back to the same conclusion that there must be something wrong with me or something I'm not doing that I should be doing I used to love wearing lingerie and now I just don't care because he never takes notice of me when I do or says that I look good even when I almost beg for a compliment I just don't seem to attract him and nothing I do will change that I'm just ugly and fat or at least that's the way I feel he never stops and notices me all he does is make light of everything I'm afraid to be naked around him because he constantly makes my boobs or vagina or ass feel like a joke and I don't want to be a joke