Sometimes I find it the hardest to tell you how I feel; positive or negative. I just don't want to say the wrong thing or have the translation from my head to my mouth get all kinds of screwed up. I know it's silly and you want to know what's going on inside my noggin but sometimes I'm not even completely sure what's going on up there. You mean so much to me more than I know how to say and I wish I was better at putting it all into words for you. As corny as it sounds I just don't think there really are words for how wonderful and terrible you can make me feel. I don't think you know sometimes that you hold my heart in your hand and that it doesn't take much to break it. I know I at times try to come across as stronger than I am but I think you and I both know deep down inside I'm a big ol' softie. I want to be held when I'm upset to the point of tears, have you push my hair off my face, look me in the eyes with a smile on your face, and just tell me how wonderful I am and that no matter what you'll be there for me and love me.
I wouldn't mind getting a video game or stuffed animal or something from you if it wasn't all you'd ever given me. You say you don't know what else to get me and to you maybe it doesn't read the same way as it does for me, but it makes me think you only see one side of me when infact I have so many different sides and interests. I love photography so maybe a Holga camera would be something I would go bananas for. I enjoy movies so maybe purchasing me a movie we could enjoy together or had seen together in theaters. Jewelry is always a hit but don't just buy something because it's convenient or within your price range. I'd rather you wait and get me something that fits my personal style or is from a designer I like (Muse Glass or TwistStyle both sold at Alive in Carytown). Cooking is something I also really enjoy and fondue especially so maybe a real fondue pot the kind with the double boiler so I don't burn my chocolate they aren't expensive. I love to read too so a book by a similar author to one that I enjoy would be appreciated. I will admit to not being a huge fan of getting a book as a gift but if there is an element of thought put into it then it's more enjoyable and special to me because it means you actually took the time to think about it and the reasons behind purchasing instead of grabbing something and thinking "I guess she'll like this." I also love art and I could use more for my apartment it doesn't have to be something expensive but a few cute paintings would really make my apartment more homey. I love wall decorations that are unique and interesting. Maybe something no one else would have instead of a print of a famous painting. I think what I'm trying to say is putting effort into getting someone the perfect gift for them is what makes it special and worth the money even if it's only $5. When I gift I don't just think what is readily available if I have to go to four different stores to find the perfect item to complete my zombie survival guide I will (and I did). I will hunt high and low for something until I find what I'm looking for and it means that much more because I knew what would make the best impact and what someone else would appreciate the most. Taking the time to make something is such an amazing display of yourself and your feelings. It's like going that extra mile to make someone feel special, and unless it's macaroni art or obviously done at the last minute is always well received.
Another thing I'm worried about is that we are too set in our ways or don't really do much besides hang out grab some food watch something on TV and go to bed. I think maybe we set ourselves up for it since we only hang out late at night. I'm worried my boyfriend could be a vampire or at least becoming one and I don't want to date Edward Cullen from Twilight. I want to be able to go out and grab lunch and do something in the daylight and take random adventures and enjoy being spontaneous. I think being spontaneous is so romantic; just grabbing yourself and driving to Williamsburg for a caramel apple or up to Philadelphia for a cheesesteak. I don't even think we'd need to go that far to be spontaneous but those are just examples. Surprising each other is something fun too. I try to randomly do it and dress up more than normal just to try and show you I can be pretty and not just ordinary looking. I wear sexy lingerie occasionally and don't say anything just to let you notice (maybe not that much of a surprise but it's still something). I feel like everything we do is almost routine these days. It's not terrible but it's not great either. I understand both of us are busy but I think we need to start making the most of the time we spend together instead of just being content with doing hardly anything together.
I won't lie it scares me that you are scared of commitment. It scares me a lot. I don't want to push you too hard too fast and I hope that's not want I'm doing. I wish you'd maybe tell me what it is that scares you exactly so we can work on easing your fears and making you more comfortable in the relationship. If it's something I'm doing that frightens you I want to know so I can hopefully correct it and help you not be scared. I personally just try to take it one step at a time for the most part. Sometimes I let my planning nature get the best of me but it's who I am I just try to let things happen as they will but it is difficult to do at times.
I don't know why I can't just say these things to you or tell you that I just wish you'd tell me more that you appreciate me or that I look beautiful (even if I don't even agree). I know I'm probably asking for a lot but I want to feel like you really mean it when you say these things instead of feeling like I had to ask you to say it instead. I understand that right now all of this might not be completely realistic but I think it might put me at ease to see a decent push to start heading in that direction and some effort as well. I put into our relationship what I want to get out of it. It's that simple and complicated at the same time.
No comments:
Post a Comment