Monday, March 8, 2010

Uncertain About Everything

Last night I asked Paul if he was avoiding me, and didn't want to be with me anymore but didn't know how to tell me. I know it might sound a little out there to most people, and hopefully like something he wouldn't do, but then again he has done it before (not to me). The seed was planted by someone who suggested that maybe he was just trying to blow me off. I was the one while thinking about what was ssaid to me put past and present together. I would like to hope it isn't true and it's just my mind wandering where it really shouldn't, but I'm not so certain now. If this wasn't the case I imagine he would have called or at least sent me a text to clear up this whole thing.

My stress levels are shooting through the roof right now and hours of sleep are way down. I normally don't wake up at 5:35 in the morning, and can't get back to sleep. I just don't know what to think he; neither denied or verified my text. He always seems to disappear at times when things aren't good; I'm upset, or ask something serious. I just don't know what to do anymore. It's almost like he can't deal with things when they aren't going right and just shuts off which makes everything that much worse. It blows things into huge issues that otherwise would have been simply solved, and makes me worry needlessly about things and not able to function without this nagging feeling at the back of my mind.

I keep running down with two differect scenarios and neither of them are good. On the one hand it's true and he just doesn't know what to say to me at this point so he isn't saying anything which hurts me so much to think about. Then there's the it's not true but he doesn't know how to deal with it so he does what he always does and shuts down. I keep thinking about that quote or saying whatever it is "If you can't handle me at my worst then you don't deserve me at my best." I just have no idea what's going on and it's eating me up, and all it would take to fix this is a simple text.

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